Being Enough

As any mama can probably attest, being a mom is a job that comes with a lot of ups and downs. Ups sometimes being things that you never thought you would ever rejoice in- like being overwelmed with joy that your constipated baby pooped or feeling pride swell up in your heart because your 17-month-old mimicked a monkey face. But, as with most ups in life, come some of the downiest downs like worrying about things that you never thought you'd worry about or feeling at the end of the day like you could have done better. And as every mommy also knows...there is no guilt like mommy guilt.

This month we sit on the verge of doubling the kid quotient in the Cox house...one will soon become two- which means that we go from playing a two-on-one game to a one-on-one game...and some days, depending on who's at work, a one-on-two game. Those odds are humbling. This month I have struggled with the idea of being enough. A mama's life feels so pulled in 586 directions..and if you're going in one direction that means you're not going in another which means that you're neglecting some other area of life that may or may not be just as important. I used to think that I felt this way just because I am a working mama, but the past few months I have become convinced that even if you don't have a full or part time job, don't volunteer and don't do anything besides the "family and church" type of gig- you will still struggle with this. I've decided it's kind of like the Mother's Game of "If you give a mouse a cookie". It goes a little something like this:

Sometimes I feel like I just need to spend time with Gavin. No distractions, no watching the kitchen countertops as I scrub them with one eye and watching him out of the corner of my other eye, no other planned activity. Just me and him. So we have fun playing...

BUT if I spend quality time with my child, did I get enough done on my house? The dishes piled up, the dust another layer thick, the dust bunnies multiplied once again, the toys one day closer to conquering our home altogether. So I do a little cleaning.

BUT if I do a little cleaning, should I have done a little bit more? How many weeks has it been since I mopped, what is on the back row of my pantry, how long is it normal to go before cleaning your refrigerator shelves? So I clean maybe just a little- not too much, but a little bit more.

BUT if I clean a little bit more, I didn't quite get enough done at work that I wanted to. There was just one more person I could have called, one more interview I could have scheduled, one more e-mail I could have sent..but I didn't...and when I actually do get everything checked off my "list" for the day, I wonder if my "list" was as extensive as it should have been. Did I overlook something? So I send yet another e-mail to get one more check box checked off the list. 

BUT then it's dinner time. Mouths to be fed- something must be eaten..something organic, unprocess, nutritious and delicious, wholesome with no preservatives. What mother can put together such a concoction and have it on the table in time? So I make a meal...I didn't say what kind of meal..but I make a meal.

BUT did I make it healthy enough? When was the last time I ate a vegetable? When was the last time my diet mirrored anything that even resembles the nutrition pyramid? I'm not just eatting for one you know! And Gavin? What about him- am I giving his tastebuds enough stimulation? Am I offering enough to build his palate? Am I giving him enough nutrition that he won't suffer from childhood obesity, ADHD, early onset diabetes, gout?! So I cut up some strawberries to go with dinner...

BUT what about my husband? I'm not just a mommy. I'm also a wife. Did I do enough to invest in him today? Does he think that a clean home is a happy home? If so, then by default is he unhappy?! Did I give him enough attention? Do I act too much like a mommy and not enough like a wife? Is he getting tired of my baby voice or think the snot that Gavin rubbed onto my shoulder this morning that I have been wearing all day is un-sexy? Does he want some strawberries too? So we go on a date.

BUT on the date I feel guilty. Should we really be doing something fun when we have so much other stuff to do? Should we really be spending money to eat, see a movie, walk around the mall when we have kids to send to college?! And now we're out so late...I really need to get to bed on time. I get so tired during the day! So we actually go to bed on time...for once!

BUT then I lay awake thinking, did I clean enough today? 
have my quiet time today? 
show my family love enough today? 
be a good friend enough today?
give back enough today?
be responsible enough today?
make enough memories today?
All that, and I won't even tell you the last time that I flossed my teeth! 

Now some of you might be saying that these are the rantings of a woman that just doesn't have enough discipline...I know that because that is what I tell myself most days. And there may be some of you out there that say that I clearly am just not prioritizing as I had enough time to write this post...why am I not doing something more productive? But maybe, just maybe there's another mama out there that feels the same way, that feels that no matter what you gave, there are a hundred million more things that you could have given that no amount of discipline or prioritizing could have made possible.  

God, take my moments and my days. Fill them with productivity and diligence and kindness, but most of all, love...and then remind me that love can cover a multitude of sins..love can make up for unmade vegetables and snotty clothes and dusty countertops and unreturned phone calls. When this day is done, help me know that what I gave was just what I was supposed to give.