I am approached by people on an embarrassingly regular basis, congratulating me on the shape of my tummy, asking me whether my belly is a boy or a girl or poking at my belly button and commenting on how "fluffy" I am. Darn it if that doesn't sound like all of these people are asking me if I am pregnant! I wish I could say I was lying, but alas, I am not. I've come to expect it and even occasionally enjoy the funny awkwardness, now that I've mastered the art of making people squirm and all. Yes- I have had to tell a male colleague that my stomach doesn't really have a gender, but if it did, I'm sure if would be a girl, since that is what I am. I have also had to tell a stranger or two that they need not ask my children in a baby voice if they are excited about their new brother or sister.
Part of me wants to say, "Come on, peeps! I know I'm no fit model, but is it really THAT bad?"
THIS is me being pregnant (circa 2010)
And THIS is me more recently on a strict frappucino diet
(come on! Starbucks 1/2 price happy hour in May?! You know you had more than three in a week too!)
While I'm certainly not going to be confused as a Crossfit enthusiast, I don't exactly feel "basketball in my shirt" big. Right?!
I also don't quite buy the excuse that I receive on occasion that the person only asked me because I was "glowing". While I don't deny that I could have the tendency to glow, I bet you a dollar to a donut (fat joke?) that when a skinny girl is "glowing", nobody asks her if she is pregnant.
Just a few thoughts. While I agree that rather than writing a post unabashedly exclaiming to the world how out of shape I am, I probably should be planking or doing crunches or running around my kitchen island with 3 lb hand weights velcroed to my bingo arms; however as a working mother of two kids, ages 3 and under, I've come to live with a certain level of acceptance. No, I don't think that I should accept things forever, but for this minute in my life, I'm just not at a velcro strapping, crunch-while-I'm-juicing type stage. And since most of my life is lived in a place of neurotic inadequacy, I don't view this as defeated. I view this acceptance as allowing grace for myself.
I also could agree that perhaps one could make more flattering clothes choices. Yes. You're right. I called my personal stylist and we have an appointment on Tuesday. Wait. I forgot. I don't have one.
I have 3 rules when it comes by buying clothes:
1. I saw it.
2. I liked it.
3. It was cheap.
Seriously. The last time I was in a dressing room, my 3 year old announced loudly to the world that he could see my hiney. You don't get to do very much twirling and viewing when, along with trying on the clothes, you are also attempting to feed your 2-year-old a snack (a snack that cannot be messy or you risk transferring snack residue onto the clothes that you are trying on), keeping your son from crawling out of the bottom part of the dressing room door, and trying to keep them both engaged in a game of "ew" or "yay". That's right- I let my kids vote on the clothes I purchase by answering "ew" or "yay" when I put something on. Let's just say that I have veto'd many an "ew"...which perhaps could be the source of me purchasing so many maternity-esque type shirts.
So how does this happen? You can probably guess. It's easy math.
two babies + uncrunched tummy + tendency to glow + blousy shirt/empire waste cothes=
pregnancy inquiries
Here are a series of pictures of me not being pregnant and a potential reason for the confusion:
Blousy shirt. Blame it on fashion.
Although how cute would this pic be if someone was in a "delicate condition" and did enjoy taking pictures of herself in elevator mirrors?!
Blousy shirt again
and check out that hot non-baby daddy!
Blousy shirt/unflattering hold position
Gut emphasizing slouch
but super awesome family pic. Thank you, Erika!
Not particularly pregnant looking, but I just really like this shirt.
So, I will leave you with my criteria for asking a woman if she is pregnant since a fluffy tummy is clearly not the only indicator of pregnant status or condition. A fluffy tummy must be accompanied by at least one or more of the following:
- rubbing of the belly- And I would specify a loving rubbing of the belly. Other small gestures around the belly area could indicate disagreeable BBQ or an attempt at a discreet adjustment of a tight waste line
- a noticeable pregnant-like waddle or swollen feet
- conversations about child birth, breast feeding and/ or placenta encapsulation
- wearing a shirt that says "Bun in the oven" "Baby on board" or "ask me about my baby daddy" (I kind of think this one can stand on its own. If you're wearing this shirt and you're not pregnant, who can you really blame?)
- Is she holding a new born? If yes, than the chances are very great that she just gave birth to this child. I HIGHLY recommend that you not ask this woman if she is pregnant. If you would like a case in point, I would refer to the Babies R Us manager that asked me this 5 days postpartum. I think he has nightmares about me to this day.
- Is her tummy large beyond a reasonable doubt? Think along the lines of a criminal trial here.
If she looks like this:
it is questionable. There are many reasonable doubts.
I warn you- do not ask, congratulate, pet or predict a gender. This woman is not pregnant.
However if a reasonable doubt is marginal, you may proceed.
If she looks like this:
reasonable doubts have been safely mitigated.
She is either
a) pregnant
or
b) you may call grocery store security because someone is shoplifting watermelons.
Disclaimer: This post was intended for the humor, enjoyment and self deprecation of the writer. No judgement on behalf of those making pregnancy inquiries has been rendered.
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