The Girl Who Never Wanted To Be a Fire Figher's Wife

There once was a little girl named Jor…Suzie.  Suzie dreamed of all the things a little girl dreamed for- a handsome prince of a husband, a couple of children who are an ideal combination of sweet and creative orneriness and prompt obedience (but each at just the appropriate time), and a dog…okay, maybe not a dog- throw in an extra kid to replace the dog and call it good.  But a key theme throughout the dream is safety.  Safe.  To be safe, sound and secure.  Suzie didn’t dream dangerous dreams.  In fact, Suzie might be described as a relatively low risk type of person.  Suzie might recall even saying once “I could never marry a police officer, a fire fighter or a military person- those jobs would be just too scary.” But God had a different plan for Jor..er Suzie…

I mean Jordan.

Okay.  I give up.  This story isn’t about Suzie.  I’m Suzie…metaphorically.  I was trying to throw you off by saying Suzie…but I meant me.  Shocker.

Okay- so fast forward all the years and today I’m a Fire Fighters’ wife.  A very proud Fire Fighters wife, I might add.  I love my handsome fire fighter and don’t mind the mornings that he comes home smelling like charcoal (even though they are outnumbered by the mornings he comes home smelling like sweaty man).  I love when he occasionally brings home a newspaper article with his picture or a story about his bravery.  I love taking Gavin and Harper to the station to see the fire trucks and both adore and hate that Gavin can now step into his daddy’s bunker gear with a little more fit then he used to.  I love that I can say my husband has delivered a baby, has saved a family’s home and has maybe even rescued a cat from a tree once.

But being a Fire Fighter’s wife wasn’t ever on my list of things to do.  It’s not safe…for a variety of reasons. Partially, because I’m a “people” person and when my main person isn’t around..which is more than a third of my life, I’m not quite as good at being me.  Partially, because so many of our moments-including Christmases, holidays, birthdays and nothing-special-but-just-sweet-moments are spent without our 4^th family member, which can be both bittersweet, painful and just down right lonely.  Partially, because the thing I used to fear most about a job was losing it, but now a very real worst fear about my husband’s job is losing him.  And partially, because I’m low-risk, high anxiety and like to have my ducks in a row.

There are a number of jobs that I would have been perfectly happy with my husband being;

Doctor, dietician, lawyer,

Butcher, baker or candlestick maker,

Claims adjuster, chiropractor, Contortionist

Food critic, Blacksmith, welder, reporter

Pastor, pilot, traveling magician, writer, or professional kite flyer...

But never on the radar was Fire Fighter.

And for a portion of this past year, I set my sights on the idea that 2013 might be the last year that we lived our life as a Fire Fighter family.  And because my husband loves me as selflessly as he does, he started envisioning his life this way as well.  And I checked the days off of my calendar…

Until one day, God told us no.  It wasn’t that there wasn’t an opportunity.  There was.  A great opportunity.  It wasn’t even that my heart changed.  It did not.  But God worked in both of our hearts a realization of something that would have brought me to a puddle of tears if it had been spoken in other parts of this year.  God was able to make clear to both of us this passion that Matthew has for his profession.  His calling.  Somewhere in my quest for “safe” I’d forgotten the thing that Matthew says he loves most about his job- he says “I know I’m going to meet someone on what is probably the worst day of their life and I get to help them through it.”  I forgot that sitting at a job that you hate…or even that you like just fine but aren’t called to, can be one of the most unfulfilling feelings in the world.  I forgot that the cushiest corner office is not safer then being in God’s will.  I forgot that God went with Daniel into the furnace, Moses into the sea, David to face a violent giant…surely He can be with my family in our day-to-day.

On my toughest Fire Fighter wife days, this light weight wife has been tempted with the thought “I never signed up for this!”  I wanted a husband who would be home at 6:05 for dinner every night, who I wouldn’t have to count in thirds on the calendar to see if he’ll be able to accompany me to a wedding or a holiday...or a Saturday, and who I didn’t have to end my days with our “good night” phone call being ended by the tones of another fire call ringing out- try going to sleep after that!  But God reminded me gently and lovingly that I didn’t make a vow to a non- Fire Fighter- I made a vow to Matthew- who was at that day and time a blank slate. Conveniently for me, “for better and for worse” also covers neurotic wives who may or may not call the firefighter dispatch line with a disguised voice and fake accent asking how “all of the fires and fire men are doing” when her husband hasn’t called back by 2 am…

Who would have ever picked their obstacle?  Who would have picked cancer or infertility or job loss or a number of things- most of which my little upset bubble cannot even compare with?  And those mornings when I’m mumbling under my breath, running late with a baby on my hip and sweat running down my back, I can at least rest in knowing I have a husband that loves me and loves us and is working very hard for his family. 

So in this year of contentment that God has given the Cox Family, my husband will keep living his passion and doing the job that God has called him to for this season of life…and I will put on my big girl panties and know that while I didn’t ever intentionally pick this for my own life…God picked me for this.  And that His grace is sufficient for me. 

Scrapbook Moments: The thank you tree, Gavin-isms and the prickly pear

Dear Diary,

My kids are so funny.  They make me laugh every day.  

The End.  

Or to elaborate...here are a few moments that I intend to cherish forever. I remember when my little brother was little and would say these precious and hilarious little boy things, I would ask my mom "do you think my kids will say cute things like that?"

Um. Yes.

I know every child has their own version of preciousness like this, and I love that there are our little memories of life.  So blessed to call these small, ordinary stories our own.

The Thank you Tree
Someone gave us this beautiful little idea earlier in the year and I'm SO GLAD since it will forever be a Cox Family tradition.  We embarked on a wagon ride journey early in November to pick out the perfect "Thank you Tree" (translation: lots of loose sticks that we could pick up in the dark).  This was actually quite a feet since our neighborhood is only about 10-12 years old, so there aren't really mature trees anywhere.  We were able to scrounge up quite the assortment of sticks- the sticks that were born to become our sweet little "thank you tree".

We were thankful for an assortment of things this year from "Starbucks happy hour" (that was mom) to "us all playing on the playground together" to "having a mommy and a sister" to Harper who just said "daddy"...or other times "do by doo".  

I loved it though.  Pondering on and listening to the blessings in our life, hearing Gavin say "and what are you thank you for, Harper," hearing our little family give thanks to the One who has blessed us with so much.  We left it up through Christmas to remind us of our blessings...and it's still up now- although for far less symbolic reasons...mostly because I haven't taken it down yet.

Stories about Harper 

Our Harpie is a feisty little booger.  We've decided she's our little spit fire girl.  That girl can grin a powerful grin, but can also be a little pistol when she wants to be.  Who said being a girl was meant to be all syruppy and sweet and full of gum drops?

She loves her baby dolls and loves to kiss them and rock them and hug them.  But more importantly than baby dolls...she loves anything that Gavin is playing with and has a gravitational pull towards microphones and dancing.  No idea where that came from.

There's a place where she has bitten on her bed and you can see the teeth imprint in the wood.  Every morning when I go to wake her up, she'll stand there and act like she's giving me a piece of the wood. She'll pretend to pick up a little piece in between in her two tiny fingers and hand it to me with much aplomb.  So sweet.

She also LOVES to help cook and stir and help pour the cereal in the morning.  She always wants "a kick" (and there's way more "k" than vowels when she says it).  Lately is also very into fruit loops and will make a mad, warrior dash like sprint when she sees the pantry door open to try to weasel her little hand in to get some.  Words that describe Harper: spry, like a prickly pear, sensitive, cheeser, independent, sillyishly serious and jabbery.


Gavin-isms
A few things that this mama will remember forever..



The other day after complaining that his tummy hurt and then taking a drink of milk he stated with excitement, "Mom! This milk is feeling me better!"

Instead of saying "nothing", Gavin says "anything". Example:
Me: Gavin what are you doing?
Gavin: Anything...

Me: Gavin, What's wrong
Gavin: (sometimes in a pouty voice) Anything, mom.
I LOVE it.  The other day, he actually said "nothing" and it about broke my heart.  I think it was just a fluke though.  It shouldn't happen again...

He loves to wear "comfy pants" and has started putting his own clothes on...which leads us to strange afternoon discoveries of shirts and pants on backwards.  He loves to put together fun pajama combos and can be seen in anything except a match set of jammies.

And look at those sweet little fingers holding that cup! 

The other day, my sister asked Gavin what he wanted for Christmas and for some reason he answered- a bell!  When she asked him why, he answered "so I can ring it for Mommy.  Mommy will think it's cool."

Speaking of cool...Gavin has a saying- not sure where he got it, but he says that "girls are beautiful and boys are cool."  So if I ever say that anything is beautiful, he'll say, "no it's not, Mom, it's cool."  I keep forgetting.

Gavin is a bossy little thing...but oh my goodness, what a good, big brother.  I guess he's just decided that he's the third parent.  When he bosses Harper, I'll say something inspirational that a truly great parent would say like "Gavin, are you the mommy?"  He'll reply...(why am I surprised?)..with something like "no, I'm the daddy!"  Funny- he doesn't usually say things like that when Matthew is around...

 

I've overheard him saying things like "Harper- I not going to pick up your cup for you because you dropped it on purpose."  Or "stop crying, Harper, I can't hear you when you whine.".  Hmmm... I can't imagine where he's learned phrases like that!

Gavin has gotten into a bad habit of ALWAYS having to go to the bathroom during dinner.  I would think that he's just trying to ditch dinner time except for that he really goes.  It's really cute though because when he leaves the table he'll say "okay, mom, I go to the bathroom and I be right back" and he'll repeat it to every member of the family at the table until he is acknowledged with an "okay".  Even Harper knows that she has to be fully informed about his bathroom intentions and has to confirm her receipt of the information.  He repeats it to every member and then says it reassuringly the whole way he's walking to the bathroom...as though we might forget.  I LOVE it.  I'm pretty sure every meal's escape brings me to the place where I am clasping my chest with a maternally blissful heart palpitation.  I seriously could not love that kid any more.

And speaking of bathroom humor, Harper has started telling us that she wants to go "boop" or "poppy".  Most of the time it's just a fun way to get to take her clothes off and get a lot of attention while she sits on the potty, but SOMETIMES she actually does go potty! The other night we were all gathered around her while she attempted to go "poppy" and she actually went!  We all exploded in encouragement, but Gavin was probably the most excited of all of us.  He exclaimed "Harper!  That was amazing.  That was just dicolous!!" LOVE.  He also stated quite the contrary an hour or so later when Harper pottied on the carpet.  He said with much disdain "Harper, that is not amazing."  Oh well.  You win some, you lose some.

What a gift.  Every day.  

Not every day is perfect...in fact most days are far from it, but I'm so happy for these little pieces of everyday-edness that will be written on my heart forever.  

Because the world needs more of this...

I am up to my eyeballs with bad news.  

Information overload.  

Government shut down.  

Sick kids. 

"You have 164 unread messages...."

"53 items on your to-do list undone...."

There's another cob web forming in the kitchen.   

I haven't mopped since the last election.  

I overslept my alarm by 35 minutes today.  Okay- 45.  Shoot.

I didn't Blessercise today. 

AHHHH!  Wonderwoman doesn't live here.  It's just me.  Just me.  Just little ole me.

So in the interest of not getting anything done that I'm supposed to, not doing anything to contribute to going green, not doing anything to contribute to health care, the national debt or losing belly fat, here are a couple of pictures that it would have been an absolute CRIME not to share with the world.

That's all I've got folks!  A bunch of cute people with a lot of cute smiles.

The Original DIY Mom Blogger

Just when I think that my generation of moms is the most innovative, most creative, and most industrious that has ever lived, I am reminded that just like Ecclesiastes says- there is nothing new under the sun.  Sometimes I look at Etsy, Pinterest, LollyWoddleMoodle moms and think "man, we sure have reached the pinnacle of cuteness and inspiration"- that no other generation of mothers has ever come close to this level of creativity, multitasking, enlightenment in parenting and all of the other awesomeness that makes us rad.  I mean, come on!  We are the Pinterest generation of mothers; the generation that makes front door wreaths out of swimming pool noodles, that can make 40 organic freezer meals in 20 minutes or less and create a DIY Darth Vader light saber out of a empty roll of wrapping paper, duct tape and metallic spray paint.  (Please note- I'm talking about my generation- not me personally.  I can do none of these things.  Fairies die when I craft.)

But I was reminded this past weekend about some of the most legit moms from days gone by.  Moms that paved the way for other moms like me to sit and blog in mom utopia.  Um- where shall I start?

Um probably starting with Betsy Ross is a good place- can you imagine the ridiculously awesome crafts that her kids got to do?  I just did a Google search to determine that she did in fact have seven children- and while I can't state with any historical integrity that that is correct information since I did not click into the full article, my mind is reeling with the ideas of what I imagine that her 5-7 kids got to do.  Forget finger painting with home made shaving cream paint.  Little Jessop and Mildred (okay, those probably aren't her kids' real names...but maybe) probably got to sew stars on the very first American Flag.  Mom awesomeness- right there.

And then what about all those moms during the Black Death?  I bet they had to be resourceful- what with all the bacteria running rampant and all.  I bet they would have laughed in the face of our "10 ways to keep germs away from your kid" blog post cuteness.  And then there are the moms that brought their children across the unsettled country in covered wagons- can you imagine the car games those moms could think of?  Oh!  And what about those two mom's that gave birth to the two babies on the Mayflower.  Talk about having to nurse in public! 

I spent some time with my husband's grandmother this past weekend and was reminded of the greatness that has been passed to us ladies that are currently mamas of young babies.  I sometimes think of what is "hip and current" now and realize that once upon a time the modern mama's of their time were building their homes and loving on their babies with same nurturing creativity and inspiration that we at times feel that we're pioneering.  Talk about independent and strong women! My husband's Mana was born in 1919, which meant that she spent her childhood years during the Great Depression.  She didn't need Dave Ramsey's baby steps to teach her how to be frugle- for gosh sakes the woman still clips coupons!  You know all that vintage stuff that we're all collecting right now?  She's the generation of ladies that perfected that stuff the first time around.  

There were no foodie blogs back then, no Rachael Ray magazine subscriptions, no Kraftfoods.com.  Yet these ladies made their mark on the homemaking world and passed down a legacy that was passed down again and again and even again and that we are running with today.  For my wedding gift Mana gave me over 250 recipes-  HANDWRITTEN, many original, that she has collected and perfected over the years.  

You can't pin that to any board.  

Mana is the consummate homemaker.  Her closets are filled with empty toilet paper rolls, used gallon size milk jugs, old icecream containers- all things that she would donate to her church's children's department to use for arts and crafts.  Truly a Baptist preschool director's dream!!  The aprons my kids are wearing in the pictures below are aprons that Mana made for the kids in her Sunday School class- they say "I can be a helper".  

Not only did she love on her two boys- John and Irby, but she took care of and still does take care of her husband of 72 years.  Talk about love- this woman has made him a pot of coffee every day for 72 years and she doesn't even drink the stuff!!  And she has gone on to love four grandchildren- Amy , Nathan, Benjamin and Matthew- and now has two great grandchildren! 

This weekend, Mana gave my little girl a "hand-me-down" dress- a dress that's over 90 years old that her own mother (Meemaw- someone I never met) MADE for her that Mana wore when she was a toddler herself.  

As Harper paraded around Mana's prairie dress, I imagined all of the love that went into stitching that dress 90+ years ago.  I imagined the excited that I feel when I'm doing my second-hand shopping (it's called consignment- JBF, people!) for my kiddo's and the immense pride I feel when I find a "treasure" and I multiplied that feeling times a hundred. I imagined with every stitch of Meemaw's sewing needle that she bustled with pride to think that her own little girl- her little baby Margaret- was going to wear that dress.  Maybe she imagined how she'd fix her hair when she wore it.  Maybe she made it for a special event at church.  Maybe she teared up when baby Margaret put it on for the first time, thinking how cute and grown up she looked. I wonder if Meemaw could have ever imagined that her great great Granddaughter would be wearing that very dress some day. 

(Somehow I doubt that my great great grand kids are going to be trying on Gavin's Gap pearl button dress shirts that I buy him at the consignment stores...but I'm not taking up sewing now- no matter how nostalgic I feel!)  I left our meeting feeling humbled by the great maternal legends that came before me- most without the same "community" feeling that we can so quickly find.

So fellow mothers- blog on, Pinterest on, decorate on, hot glue on and continue to bestow love upon your families in the most ingenius and artistic ways!  And remember the ladies that loved us and taught the mama's that loved us how to do the same.  

(photos courtesy of Amy Cox- an exceedingly talented writer, photographer and one of the best huggers in the history of the world)

In honor of Prince George

So has anybody heard about the Royal Baby being born?  Yes- I realize that could be considered relatively old news, but I'll still consider it recent since it happened in the last 90 days.  In honor of the royal baby, I thought I'd share a few things:

First of all, Kate Middleton and I are Facebook friends.  Totes.  Okay- maybe not Facebook friends as much as I "follow" the Prince William and Kate Middleton page on Facebook.  While this might sound under impressive, I do probably believe that Kate Middleton would really like me if she were to know me...and would probably follow my blog.  So between her and Beth Moore and Jen Hatmaker, I really do have the who's who of imaginary-except-for-they're-real-people friends.  If we ever go get pedi's, I'll totally do a post about it.

BUT I do for real have a link to the royal family.  A few years ago, when Matthew and I were in Prague (okay, I LOVE saying that- it totally sounds like a line that Pheobe says from Friends or that I'm getting ready to tell a made- up story- except for that I'm not!)...okay so anyways- back in 2010 when Matthew and I were in Prague (there- I said it again!)  we totally saw Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Boles.  Not lying...and here is the proof.

 

 

I realize it's not a great shot of Camilla- but then again, what shot is?  You can definitely see the tell-tale bangs.  It's not a very dramatic story- we were at the Castle in Prague- just chillaxing in the courtyard like the two well-traveled, refined awesome people that we are- and we noticed a "hubbub" of sorts coming from the second story balcony. While we initally thought we were in a real life version of "Vantage Point" (eeks!) Matthew actually pointed out first that the Prince of Wales was waving at us!  It was fun- although several people around us were mad since parts of the Castle were blocked off due to their royal touring.

And then Prince Charles went home and told his soon to be daughter-in-law all about me and we became best friends and pen pals...or something else less delusional.

Okay- while that's pretty much all I've got as far as links to the other royal family- I do have to share a super cute picture of Gavin being rather dapper and royal himself.

 

We have a super cute book called "The Animal Orchestra" that Gavin has now memorized and "reads" every day.  The book talks about how the conductor- who happens to be a hippo- bows  and bows and bows.  Matthew and I realized that Gavin didn't know how to bow...so in his gentlemanly fashion, Matthew taught Sir Gav how to bow.  

 So while I'm pretty sure Baby Prince George will never wear dinosaur pajamas from Old Navy, I can't imagine even a Prince looking more dapper than these two royally handsome gents.

And here's a picture of Harper- just because I can't leave her out...and ironically, she was born 4 days before Kate and William's 1st wedding anniversary.  If that isn't a link to the royal family, then I don't know what is...

Hi. My name is Jordan and I'm insecure...

Darn it if I didn't know this about myself when I was like seven years old.  Who would ever think that they'd still be dealing with the same crap  er..character flaws..that they dealt with when they were seven.  It's pretty stinking annoying if you asked me.

I can't remember a time where I didn't leave a gathering of people- big or small- where I didn't think "Oh, I hope I didn't hurt their feelings when I said..." or "I didn't spend enough time talking to so and so.  I hope their feelings aren't hurt."  Matthew said that when we were dating, he'd always wait 15 minutes after he dropped me off from a date and undoubtedly I'd call him and apologize for SOMETHING I'd said.  I didn't remember that..but he did.  Which makes me insecure that I hurt his feelings by not remembering it.  Insecurity can take many forms; guilt, worry, self doubt, low self esteem, indecisiveness- but at the end of the day, it's just plan 'ole insecurity.

In short, being insecure is crippling...and EXHAUSTING- over thinking everything that you do- reliving most situations and moments thinking "I'm sure I could have done something better".  I have been insecure my entire life and about LOTS of different things; Hair, friends, boys, the way I look, the way I act, the way people perceive me, singing, if my zipper is down, my marriage, my career, do I care too much, whether I'm any good at any of the previously mentioned things, whether I'm a good enough Christian,...blah blah blah. Are you annoyed yet?  Probably. And now I'm insecure about that...

I will say that until I had kids I never dreamed that insecurity would effect me as a parent.  I mean, I'm the grown up, right?!  But now that I have kids, I feel that I am maybe MOST insecure as a parent.  Who knew this job came with so many choices?  And the whole molding and shaping a life thing?  Yeah, kind of a big deal. 

Here is a RIDICULOUS example of how being insecure has owned me as a parent:   We are not super strict on bedtime.  Being a working mom, the majority of the time I get to spend with my kids during the work week is in the evening, but occasionally the kids will seem more tired than usual, so I'll tell myself earlier in the day that they need to have an earlier bedtime.  Well, what mom doesn't like it once her kids have gone to bed?  Not that we don't love our kids, but that's a few of our only minutes of freedom, right?  Naptime and bedtime- not even bathroom breaks are kid free any more... SO on those days where I decide that maybe the kids NEED to go to bed earlier than usual, I'll start to feel guilty that perhaps I actually and subconsciously wanted them to go to bed early because I don't want to spend time with them- which is already limited- and MAYBE I decided to have them go to bed early because I'm just selfish.  Therefore, I end up letting my kids stay up even later than they usually do because I'm scared that by me doing what is actually good for my kids, I'll feel guilty and will have inadvertently sent a message to my kids that I don't love them.  Did I mention that I'm annoyed at myself because of this?  

Any tips are kindly welcomed.  I wish that I had a nice neat little "life lesson" bow to tie this post up with.   Nope.  Just me confessing the sins of my insanity.  The two things that I think of when I'm absolutely at my wits end about this are: 

Matthew 11:29 

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

And then this 

"Turn your eyes up Jesus.  

Look full in His Wonderful face.  

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His Glory and Grace"

So glad that God didn't make being perfect a prerequisite to have kids...or to be loved by Him.  While I can rest in knowing both of those things, I still wish I could kick this bad habit..before I pass it on to my kids.  "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free..."