Darn it if I didn't know this about myself when I was like seven years old. Who would ever think that they'd still be dealing with the same crap er..character flaws..that they dealt with when they were seven. It's pretty stinking annoying if you asked me.
I can't remember a time where I didn't leave a gathering of people- big or small- where I didn't think "Oh, I hope I didn't hurt their feelings when I said..." or "I didn't spend enough time talking to so and so. I hope their feelings aren't hurt." Matthew said that when we were dating, he'd always wait 15 minutes after he dropped me off from a date and undoubtedly I'd call him and apologize for SOMETHING I'd said. I didn't remember that..but he did. Which makes me insecure that I hurt his feelings by not remembering it. Insecurity can take many forms; guilt, worry, self doubt, low self esteem, indecisiveness- but at the end of the day, it's just plan 'ole insecurity.
In short, being insecure is crippling...and EXHAUSTING- over thinking everything that you do- reliving most situations and moments thinking "I'm sure I could have done something better". I have been insecure my entire life and about LOTS of different things; Hair, friends, boys, the way I look, the way I act, the way people perceive me, singing, if my zipper is down, my marriage, my career, do I care too much, whether I'm any good at any of the previously mentioned things, whether I'm a good enough Christian,...blah blah blah. Are you annoyed yet? Probably. And now I'm insecure about that...
I will say that until I had kids I never dreamed that insecurity would effect me as a parent. I mean, I'm the grown up, right?! But now that I have kids, I feel that I am maybe MOST insecure as a parent. Who knew this job came with so many choices? And the whole molding and shaping a life thing? Yeah, kind of a big deal.
Here is a RIDICULOUS example of how being insecure has owned me as a parent: We are not super strict on bedtime. Being a working mom, the majority of the time I get to spend with my kids during the work week is in the evening, but occasionally the kids will seem more tired than usual, so I'll tell myself earlier in the day that they need to have an earlier bedtime. Well, what mom doesn't like it once her kids have gone to bed? Not that we don't love our kids, but that's a few of our only minutes of freedom, right? Naptime and bedtime- not even bathroom breaks are kid free any more... SO on those days where I decide that maybe the kids NEED to go to bed earlier than usual, I'll start to feel guilty that perhaps I actually and subconsciously wanted them to go to bed early because I don't want to spend time with them- which is already limited- and MAYBE I decided to have them go to bed early because I'm just selfish. Therefore, I end up letting my kids stay up even later than they usually do because I'm scared that by me doing what is actually good for my kids, I'll feel guilty and will have inadvertently sent a message to my kids that I don't love them. Did I mention that I'm annoyed at myself because of this?
Any tips are kindly welcomed. I wish that I had a nice neat little "life lesson" bow to tie this post up with. Nope. Just me confessing the sins of my insanity. The two things that I think of when I'm absolutely at my wits end about this are:
Matthew 11:29
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble
in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
And then this
"Turn your eyes up Jesus.
Look full in His Wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His Glory and Grace"
So glad that God didn't make being perfect a prerequisite to have kids...or to be loved by Him. While I can rest in knowing both of those things, I still wish I could kick this bad habit..before I pass it on to my kids. "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free..."
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